Tuesday, January 17, 2006

The journey is long

I am getting weak. Lat nite i couldnt move my right leg at al. There was so much pain, i thought i had to be rushed to the hospital. The past few days have not been good. I am horizontal most times. My therapist say its good as i need the rest for the immune system to get to order but i know myself. Everthing is a chore these days. I have diffifcult getting up, laying down, bending, squatting, pulling a pillow, picking up something from the floor, everything seems like a task. Mt left arm is begining to feel numb and my left side of the neck is getting painful.

What does it means? My blood test resutls from my therapist was very encouraging but i'm afraid again. will it work fast enough for my case? do i really have to go for chemo again? I really dont know what to do or think anymore. Everytime the pain sets in, i feel like i'm at the end of the road.

Tomorrow i'm seeing Steve, my therapist again. Will he agree to my 2nd chemo, will he be able to help ease the pain? I feel so useless these days. Cant do this, not able to do that.......what am i around for?

Things at home is still fiery. Jr blames me for everything that goes wrong. He used to be the reason i go on for, that too seem to be diminishing. Maybe i'm really a bad mum and he doesnt need me around. Mike, i dont know, we all have our own set of problems. I feel alone and so, so, distant from everything.

Is it really time for me to let go and stop fighting? I have nothing to hold onto right now....

Friday, December 30, 2005

I'm not ready for 2006!

Wow, how time flies. My maid just reminded me this evening, tomorrow's new year's eve and the thought just startled me. Is it? I'm not ready. I used to be ready with new filofaxes, resolutions, things to accomplish, etc. For next yr, nothing of that sort has entered my mind and i wondered why?

We are not even ready for school next week. There are still shoes, socks, school bag to buy and books to wrap. We didnt get to dog training like we said we would......time just flew us by. THe holidays were good. It was good for bonding with jr, got to do a lot of things with him, spend time but i', also looking forward to school to start so that the routine will set in and get him more settled. He's been too, too playful. Not that its a bad thing but its enough for now.

We spent 2 nights away on our own at Shangrila. The food was good there and cheap too as Mike is a member but nothing beats home. Funny, how you want to go away and when you're away, you yearn for home. Well, we're home now.

Today, an old, old childhood friend and neighbour came to visit me. This meeting finally came about after i think more than a year of scheduling and rescheduling. And if we didnt meet today, it'll probably be another year that will pass us by as she has no maid and her hands full when kids go to school. So i'm glad we made it. We went through a lot as kids, growing up and all and that bond has kept us together even though the years have kept us apart. There's one thing i've mentioned before and i'll say it again. It's because we share the same faith. Really, i find it so hard to relate to those who dont and i know its not right as i should seek the opportunity to evangelize to them but all i can do is make small talks which to me are really a waste of time. There are a couple of these friends that i have but i do thank God most of my friends are believers.

We are now looking forward to having an old, good friend of Mike who miraculously appeared again in life to come and stay and spend time with us. Its been 4 years since we last met him. It will be a reunion of sorts. Mike hasnt very many friends but i know the ones he holds dear to his heart and this one is definitely one of them.

Did my blood test today. Pray that it will be good. As the results will determine if Steve's supplements are working for me. My Christmas prayer is of course to be cured of cancer. I do believe in miracles and I also believe God will answer our prayers in his time. Patience has never been my virtue.....maybe God is teaching me patience? I keep telling myself that so what cancer has taken over my body, it will never have my soul, my faith, my courage. There are days when the pain is so bad, i just bite my teeth and cry in silence. Nobody knows........new pains, old pains. But there are good days when i even forget i've got cancer. I dont know what the future holds......what are his plans for me, all i can do is trust and surrender that he will be there for me and he has, thus far.

So for the new 2006, i just want to pray for peace on earth, hope for the destitute. love to all. May God help me build loving memories that will remain as treasure in hearts of my loved ones when we are no longer together.

Bless us all, Lord in the coming new year. May we grow closer in our daily walk with you as we praise and thank you for being our Wonderful and Mighty Father. Fill us with your Holy Spirit and help us to live more for you and less for ourselves. Blessed New Year to all!

Monday, December 19, 2005

Just a week to Christmas!

Just a week away from Christmas, am happy, excited and tired. Been wraping presents and presents day in and out. The house is almost decorated, except for some mobiles which needs Mike's expertise.

We've got a landscape designer to come in last week to have a look at our little garden and give us their proposal. That will be our Christmas present to each other for Christmas. Actually for Jr and Misha, our little doggie who will be turning 1 very soon.

In the midst of it all, i try to recall all the blessings the Lord has showered upon us during the year. The Lord is good, his love is everlasting and his mercy never ceasing. Clearly he has been and is with us all the days, thru the good and the bad. The most recent being Mike's new assignment in Berjaya as Special Assistant to Tan Sri Vincent Tan. Just 2 weeks back, Mike was saying how he missed the TV industry. And I told he, in the His tine and if its right for him, he will be back, infact he never really left it due to his network. How wonderful our Lord to hear the
desires of our hearts.

Inlaws decided to stay and spend Christmas with us. Initially, i've been hesitant, just wanting it to be cozy with my own circle of friends and just Mike and Jr. But I guess its the Lord's will and I am glad to say, he's opened my heart to it. So the usual midnite supper after mass. Jr has declared he wont be sleeping at all! Then Christmas dinner at godson's house and on boxing day, it'll just be 3 of us to Shang for 2 nights. Then maybe a day trip to Melaka so we can have Jr visit AFamosa with the Dewitts. Then Kevyn, our long lost friend comes and spends new year with us.

A friend from church has brought me to see a nutristionist, something i've wanted all along. The
first thing he ordered was a complete blood test which costed me almost RM1800! Its really intensive in that it reads everything from hormones to magnesium level and that sort. Again, me results are not good at all. I've started taking Steve's pills since Tuesday. There are like over 20 bottles and each time there are like over 40 pills i have to swallow. And that's for 3x a day! I've gagged, thrown up and survived. I have complete faith that they will help me. The first step is to get the body system back to order as mine has been totally wrecked by chemo and the tumors. See, the body has been designed to heal itself and once all in the system are in order, healing can take place. Its the food, the water, the air, the lifestyle that controls how the body will work.

So, we 've invested in a heavy duty and wonderful vacuum/ cleaning pot called the Rainbow to take care of dust in the house. Next will be the water machine that gives out water with a oxygen level 10x more than ordinary water. All these will also benefit everyone in the family, so they stay healthier. Especially for jr. Must really watch his diet as he will take on my genes!

Everyone's asks "how are you Jennifer?" I used to say, "i'm good". Now, i say " I'm coping". I am really. Today wasnt such a good day. I can feel the bones in my legs twisting and doing funny things. it hurts and sometimes its difficut to walk. I'm just worried that it will give way......

Jr has asked "Why did God allow mummy to have cancer?" I cried when i heard that. He asked me if he could get me a cheaper present because he cant afford Transfer Factor, a supplement which i take. He secretly told me, he intends to write a longer story and add it on to his Jr short stories and sell them at RM25 to raise funds for my treatment. I cried for days after that. God, pls dont deprive this angel of a mother. I've promised him to bea round for his graduation as a doctor and for his lst operation. Jr has this dream where he will open his own hospital in future. Mu,,y will be in charge of $$$$, Daddy will be Marketing & Promotions Head, Grand Pa will be the Building Inspector and Ah Ma will be the receptionist and administrator. There will be a family room for all of us to rest when tired. And one day in a week, he will see poor patirents for free. He's already talking how he's gonna live when he gets to Harvard.

This school holidays has been good for us. I noticed a big jump in Jr's character and behaviour. Its like all of a sudden he has matured so much and he has opened himself a lot more. Of course, there are still tantrums and all, but overall, i must say he has really grown up. Praise God for that. I told him all i want from him for Christmas is that he will be happy. For as long as he's happy, so will we be. Amen.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Mid nite movie

Oh swell. its been ages since Mike and I went for a midnite movie. Something we used to when we were dating and when wen it just the 2 of us. Guess what? Last night, we took Jr for an adventure of his life. His first midnite movie and a McDonalds supper after that! He ended up in bed around 3.ooam! Something he always wanted to do. It was very good to see how excited and thrilled he was throughout the night. Of course, the movie was Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. We imagine how fast he has grown. Now, we include in most of our activities and outings beacause he is able to join in and somehow matured.

That's how it will be from now, the three of us, together, always.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Old friends

I have friendis from as young as a baby. Friends who went to the same kindergarden, same school, friends from work, from play, friends of friends, friends at church, friends in the neighbourhood, friends,. who can live without them?

An old, old friend dropped by for a short visit today. We go back a long way and though yes, we have not kept as close as we had hoped to, wwe still click and tickle when we get together. Think we've known each other since Primary school but it doesnt really matter, does it? Its not the length of time, you know each other, ultimately its the understanding and friendship that we share that holds us together, after all these years.

They have been very concerned since learning of my illness. Visits, teh tariks, phone calls, emails, prayers, etc.....its on-going and i am so touched and blessed to have such friends.

i thank god for all the friends he has blessed me with. May this journey of mine bring us all closer and learn to treasure each other more.

What i want for chrismas

When i was a kid, growing up in a buddist home, christmas was just about some santa dropping you a present, obviously played up by elders in the family. Nothing special, just presents.

since i got married and have my own family, its about reunion of sorts, families, distant relatives, people you know, people you dont, people you see once a year and dont matter, in a foreign place. Its has been like that since i got married to mike.
Last 2 years, we decided to take a break. We didnt go back to penang, which really pissed the old folks. The tear ebefore, we just werent into it. Last year, i couldnt, i was just diagnosed with cancer. This year, we wouldnt either and maybe not for the rest of christmases. For as far as mike and i are concerned, we are now a family unit of our own. We should have our own traditions, for our little son to hold on to and look back upon. So, it will be midnite mass service, late nite supper with lots of minced meat (family recipe) and sugee cake, sharing and opening of presents way long before we call it a day. Jr is planning to not sleep at all. The next day will be dinner at the godson's. And on boxing day, will be our own grand lunch at a very posh place, just the 3 of us. Come to think of it, i just want to spend the christmas, just some close friends and 1 or 2 family members and no in laws. Can that happen?

MIL thot i couldnt heck the journey back to penang. I told her to her face, i had no desire to spend christmas there. What's the point? My home is here and my family is here, there's nothing there in penang for us, especially since godpa is no longer around.....

Initially inlaws said, they have to be in penang for christmas for uncles sonny's sake, he;s all alone. But seems like they may change their mind, and i hope not, coz i really would prefer it without them....am i mean?

What will christmas be this year? I am looking at a star, one that will lead me far, to release the burdens of my heart, a star that lights, a star that brings with it hope, love and everlasting peace. Jesus, be my star!

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Blood results

Today i did another blood test to see the diff b4 and after the UBI and colon theraphies i've been going for. Praise God, all looked good, in fact, we see an improvement, overall with some healing process indicated. Praise God, praise God, praise, praise God. The one main concern was that my adrenalin glands were really stressed out and way blow count which i will have to take another drug for. Otherwise, red count, white counts look good and active, blood system still very high in toxicity.

I;ve just started on B17 today as well, this is supposed to the vitamin, essential in treatment and curing of cancer. let;s pray it does it job for me.

Next tuesday, we meet Dr Ibrahim. He is trying to get me on a compassionate plan programme for the new drug which has just been approved. The only setback, as we see it, could be the part that my cancer has spread to the brain. The case study they are looking at is lung cancer but i do qualify in other areas. Pray he will be able to put us in for this. We do not know the cost of the drugs yest and how long i have to take it for, but averagely its been indicated between 6 - 7k per month.

God, if it is your will, that i take the drug, that your healing for me will work through it, please help me get on this plan. I surrender all this to you because i know only you have the power to do heal me and make me whole.

Monday, November 28, 2005

I cant sleep

I cant sleep........since the tumor at the neck gave me trouble and pain, sleep is something i have to suffer for coz when i do sleep, the pain when i get up is usually kills. So i try different postions, pillows, sofas, here and there, up and down the house every night.

Tonite is classic. I usually wake up at 3.30 am to take my painkillers and will end up at the sofa in front of our TV area where our altar also happen to be. MOst nights, i dont go back to sleep so i spend some time to talk to Jesus. Tonite i had my mother in law who happens to be staying with us when they come fr penang. She is an addict of sorts, computers, game boys, nintendos, and chinese serials. So guess who is up at this hour watching? Guess what? when i told her i needed to sleep on the sofa, all she did was mover over to a stool and continued watching! No lowering of the volume and the decency to switch it off even. Hallo, i'm not so well here!!!! and when i asked her how long more, oh i had to ask twice because she was so into the show, she didnt even hear me the lst time. Her reply sweetly, i dont know. i feel so loved.

To think, a tv show is more important than my sleep. Thats cuts. But it also makes things very apparent doesnt it? I've decided, there;s no one to rely on where you need help, especially with family. I;m not angry because such are things, such are peple. They are supposed to be here to help us out but i think they create more stress. I cant stand my father in law's smoking. I feel sick everytime i go near him or walking in and out of the house where he smokes and you can smell it throughout the house. See they claim they love you but they wont do things for you, even at the risk of your health and life.

So jesus, its you and me again. You;ve gotta heal me and make me welll for my son's sake, my family;s sake, poor jr is only 7. i cannot rely on anyone but you.

I want some peace in this house and for now, i will insist i dont want inlaws around. I dont need that stress.

Its been almost a year since i was diagnosed with cancer. November 2005 is an anniversary is sorts. A brain op, diagnosis of terminal cancer which has mestasized.

But i'm glad this year i gotta celebrate my godson's birthday with him as last year i was just getting out of the OT,

So has anything changed? ya, so much, too much. There are so many aspects to my life which did and didnt matter and they are all there but in different priorities now. No one will ever be able to understand and feel the emotions i have gone through in this process of what i;m going to to call "my walk with God;.

The physical pain, the emotional hurts, the sense of hopelessness, hurt, love, frustrations, oh, i think i;ve gone through them round and round, even now. As i learn that the cancer has soread further, getting more aggressive, painful. The one thing that has kept me going, not losing it, was that i had Jesus, nobody else. Only JESUS. And i thank God for him.