Tuesday, January 17, 2006

The journey is long

I am getting weak. Lat nite i couldnt move my right leg at al. There was so much pain, i thought i had to be rushed to the hospital. The past few days have not been good. I am horizontal most times. My therapist say its good as i need the rest for the immune system to get to order but i know myself. Everthing is a chore these days. I have diffifcult getting up, laying down, bending, squatting, pulling a pillow, picking up something from the floor, everything seems like a task. Mt left arm is begining to feel numb and my left side of the neck is getting painful.

What does it means? My blood test resutls from my therapist was very encouraging but i'm afraid again. will it work fast enough for my case? do i really have to go for chemo again? I really dont know what to do or think anymore. Everytime the pain sets in, i feel like i'm at the end of the road.

Tomorrow i'm seeing Steve, my therapist again. Will he agree to my 2nd chemo, will he be able to help ease the pain? I feel so useless these days. Cant do this, not able to do that.......what am i around for?

Things at home is still fiery. Jr blames me for everything that goes wrong. He used to be the reason i go on for, that too seem to be diminishing. Maybe i'm really a bad mum and he doesnt need me around. Mike, i dont know, we all have our own set of problems. I feel alone and so, so, distant from everything.

Is it really time for me to let go and stop fighting? I have nothing to hold onto right now....


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The journey may be long but it is not over yet. Although we may not feel the pain that you feel, we will always be there to support you. Therefore, please keep up that fighting spirit in you.

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Jen, don't give up. We're always there for you. Be strong..

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Hey Jen
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Jennifer, I know you are no longer with us, but I know you can sense the world below you. Your husband needs your love still now and he needs God. Please, be with him as he travels through the pain of losing you. I know deeply, as a sister to you through Christ, that you truly wish him someone else that will 'get him'. I know for a fact that there is someone... I just pray that he can know it too. You sound like a wonderful woman. God has made you infinately beautiful.

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